Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife who was looking for
some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman
busy.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. “Phew!” he thought “Made it home
safe!”

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Nooo! Let's hope it's not the 13th!"

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Just had my water bill drop on my mat. £175!! That's a lot. Time to
change supplier, I think. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and
everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's
Advent calendar?

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
happy.  Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad about the
school play, and his part playing a man who had been married for 25
years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a
speaking part."

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread  for 30
minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

a bit late, but check out this on you tube for a laugh.

!!!!!maybe not for young kids!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khwjD-KVQ_Q